Gone are the days filled with silent moments as your bundle of joy naps on your chest while you sing sweet lullabies. Once upon a time, you had a child who would flash a smile with the ability to evoke a love in your heart you never knew existed. While you may still catch that smile every so often, you also may find yourself blindsided as your child takes the crazy train to toddlerhood. The destination of the train is all dependent on you, the parent. You’re not just here for the ride; you’re also preparing for a constant battle with who drives the train. The hardest part of this journey is realizing that sometimes it’s ok to let your toddler take the wheel.
What becomes of an easy baby or a difficult child once they’ve boarded that train? Maybe you had a difficult baby who cried more than he didn’t and was the culprit behind most burned dinners and sleepless nights. Alternatively, maybe you had that easy baby who never cried and always slept. Now, you’re racking your brain trying to figure out why your angel is now screaming on the floor at the airport when you just need to get through security.
Psychiatrists Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess concluded after a longitudinal investigation that children typically have three temperaments. These temperaments were labeled easy child, slow-to-warm up child and difficult child. While the labels are pretty self-explanatory, they can change. One study showed that the temperament can change later in childhood based on the attachment style with his or her caregiver.
What is Attachment Style?
“You’re spoiling that baby. You need to let her cry, so she learns to soothe herself. Now she’s going to be needy and insecure.” You may have heard this from time to time from self-proclaimed experts because, “they’ve had kids and therefore know better.” However, psychiatrists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby would beg to differ. In fact, based on their research findings, they would encourage you to respond to your baby’s needs as much as possible. The way in which they form and sustain healthy relationships throughout their life depends on it. (Bowlby, J. 1979). Bowlby and Ainsworth posited there are four different attachment styles. These are securely attached, insecure-avoidant, insecure-ambivalent and disorganized.
For a more thorough explanation of attachment and it’s long term effects, check out the video below:
Bowlby’s Attachment Theory Explained
Ok, we’re securely attached. Now what?
Congratulations! You spent the first year with your baby catering to his or her every need. You know what every cry and facial expression mean. By now, you might even hear a word or two from your blooming little one. If they’re in their later toddler years (18-24 months), you might hear them utter a couple of words. So why are they screaming when they can’t have that popsicle for breakfast? Or maybe they want a popsicle after dinner but only red will do. You’re out of the red? Good luck with that.
Luckily, we have psychiatrists and researchers out there who studied the behaviors of children for years and have many theories. Jean Piaget, a biologist from the early 20th century, was interested in how organisms adapted to their environment. He posited that infants have an innate ability to use schemes to make sense of the world around them. (Piaget, J. 1954) One example could be when a child sees a dog for the first time and then identifies all four-legged pets as dogs. Once corrected, the child then accommodates this information to fit into their new scheme.
Why is this information important in the toddler years? It’s important because you can provide the scaffolding needed to prepare that screaming toddler beforehand. Set up a pretend airport in your home and walk through all the steps with your child. Make it fun and interesting. Pack a bag and pretend to go through security. Have a picnic somewhere near the airport so you can watch and talk about planes. How do they work? Where do they go? Do I have to sit for a long time? (That’s kind of a big one). Read books upon books about traveling on planes. Once they’ve accommodated this information into their world, you will be setting them up for success.
At the end of the day, don’t fret mom, you can also do everything right and your toddler will still surprise you sometimes. It’s important not to sweat the small stuff. As the saying goes, this too shall pass.
Sometimes tantrums and defiance are inevitable. What then?
Again, I’m big on theory and the good old nature vs. nurture argument. You might have more patience than most and that easy-going personality everybody loves being around. However, you may have been blessed with a spirited child who inherited that defiant and challenging personality from somewhere in your bloodline. Thanks granny. While nature presented you with this beautifully chaotic child you have before you, it’s the way you nurture their personality that molds them into thriving and healthy adults.
Erik Erickson, a child psychologist from the early to mid 20th century, posited that development happens throughout the entire lifespan and there are eight stages of development. In the toddler years, they are typically either in what’s called the autonomy vs. shame or initiative vs. guilt stage. During these stages, their brains are developing rapidly while their emotions can’t process the experiences fast enough. They are finally getting a sense of independence and expected to follow rules, exhibit prosocial behavior and take responsibility while just trying to understand their emotions and the world around them. Guilt and shame could stem from the caregiver over criticizing or limiting independent activities. How can one avoid the latter?
Steps to take:
Promoting Autonomy :
✔ Create opportunities for pretend play (e.g., role-playing different careers).
✔ Support curiosity by answering “why” questions with patience.
✔ Give small leadership roles (e.g., “Can you be my helper for setting the table?”).
✔ Praise effort and creativity instead of focusing only on success.
✔ Encourage problem-solving by allowing children to find solutions before stepping in.
Promoting Initiative:
✔ Allow choices (“Do you want the red or blue cup?”) to develop decision-making skills.
✔ Encourage self-care activities (dressing, eating, washing hands).
✔ Avoid harsh punishment; instead, use gentle guidance and praise for effort.
✔ Let toddlers try new tasks at their own pace, without rushing them.
✔ Reassure them after mistakes to normalize failure as part of learning.
Remember that sometimes it is hard for us as adults to identify why we are feeling certain ways. We can’t expect our little ones to just ‘figure it out on their own” at this age. When the world is just too big for your threenager to handle and emotions run wild, comforting words and a long cuddle can make a world of difference. Meeting their needs at any age is key at forming healthy relationships in the long run.
References
Bowlby, J. (1979). The Bowlby-Ainsworth attachment theory. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 2(4), 637–638. doi:10.1017/S0140525X00064955
Chess, S., & Thomas, A. (1977). Temperamental individuality from childhood to adolescence. Journal of Child Psychiatry, 16, 218–226.
Piaget, J. (2013). The construction of reality in the child. Routledge.
ScienceDaily. (2011, August 30). Secure attachment to moms helps irritable babies interact with others. ScienceDaily. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/08/110830082104.htm